Expectation and Experience

I read on the internet, where someone said that they did not see the point to pay higher prices than survival sex worker wages for an experience, when all they get from it are memories that they can’t share. I’ve been thinking about this and actually there is a lot to unpack. I can try to see their point but I don’t believe experiences can be measured in this way. But I also know that I feel differently than many people.

Absolutely there is a cost between us, it is a transaction based relationship. We are professionals engaged in a transaction based relationship. I know you don’t like when I say that, but it actually brings comfort. And really, I don’t have to say it, we are both intrinsically aware of this. It is the foundation for our clarity and how we navigate understanding our roles. Yes, I am aware we come together to curate moments that please and satisfy us. But that doesn’t mean we have any true control over anything but our own individual actions in the moments. You are deciding and I am deciding. It’s not singular. But it does take effort to be present in the moment. It takes massive effort to choose to understand how you experience your own pleasure.

The part that made me think about this the most is the question of why would you make memories that you can’t share. I think they are saying that they have hollow experiences and perhaps that they view their encounters with a sex worker as simply holes to be filled. My main thought is the person was young, and may not lived enough to understand that memories are actually all we have. I certainly do not share every memory in my mind. I also know that the thoughts in my mind are all that I really and truly possess.

What else I see in this comment is that they are undoubtedly unhappy with creating memories in this way. It is possible that the real issue they are dealing with is internalized stigma around their comfort interacting with sex workers. It takes humbling yourself to hear your internalized stigma and to recognize its source. Even then you may not have the strength right away to start to change the way you speak to yourself. Like many, you may not yet understand how your internalized stigma related to sex work guides your actions. You may not yet know of yourself which encounters are most likely to surface this inside of you.

You control the narrative in your mind, so try to listen and when its totally wrong – change it. Meditate. Learn what you are actually thinking under all that clutter and insecurity. Personally, I want to make as many memories as I can. What if I end up with some condition that leaves me unable to remember anyways? Then I would have missed so many valuable experiences while remaining chaste for nothing. Right there is a flip side. Maybe it comes down to some kind of morality. I am self aware enough to know that I would have went on my life living some other way, but how can speculation ever be measurable as better or worse?

I believe if you are still clinging to the notion that perfect experiences are the highlight of life, then you possibly haven’t gone through the adult stage commonly known as the mid life crisis and come out the other side stronger. Or maybe you have not done the inner work that is required by you. Perhaps you have not yet crossed that bridge and you don’t know yourself well enough. Because there are no perfect experiences. It is how we handle ourselves in the moment that determines how the chips fall. It is not all resting on the other person. I have to show up and so do you.

Frankly, these experiences with intense emotions blaze a track right through my mind with so many memories in their wake. I get to return and visit and be reminded of the effort I put in to know with certainty: I enjoy life. It takes work to be happy and however anyone gets their happiness is good by me. But life is not like a row of dominos where we lay out the perfect path in our mind and we are always at the moment of a domino falling into the next. Well, I do not follow that philosophy, though likely many do.

I approach life differently than this person and by just thinking on this comment for a few days, I have learned more about me. I love that about myself. I enjoy personal growth. I also have hope that maybe one day they will understand that there is no way to measure the value of an experience, no universal way. That memories are invaluable.

Does life look boring to most people? Or do you know this life that we have been given is a gift? Because being alive is a gift. Being with you reminds me I am alive. I am thankful and I am grateful.

But then again, we are older and you are typically no longer searching solely for holes to fill. You know that I am looking for authentic human connection. That I choose to be a student of the human condition. And that makes you choose to see me or not choose to see me. So a memory is created whether we even acted on it or not.

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